This is part II of a series on how veterinary care professionals can communicate with compassion with people who grieve, without letting it drain them.
In the previous post, I spoke about preparing your services for communication steeped in care and transparency. In this post, I’ll be discussing the first telephone call, often the first occasion during which pet guardians speak out loud that they require someone to euthanise their beloved friend.
I will probably not have to tell you that the common interpretation of Kubler-Ross stages of grief is outdated. Grief is similar to the English weather, where you can experience four seasons within a day. People can go through various emotions within a day, and grief is not linear. The messiness of it all is what makes us human.
This call is often the first occasion when clients vocalise their consideration of euthanising their pet. People discuss this sensitive subject very personally and can oscillate between emotional states, such as being clear-headed and pragmatic or overly emotional and angry.
In this particular context, there is the added pressure of deciding to euthanise or not being able to make that decision. Especially for people who feel their companion animal is like a child, it feels unnatural to decide to euthanise someone they love so deeply.
As an end-of-life Doula, I act according to the belief that each individual can solve their own problems with the proper support. The most valuable thing outsiders can do to help is to support them by listening, reflecting, validating and holding space for emotions. Of course, sometimes practical help like cooking a meal or picking up their kids from school is helpful when someone is stuck within the depth of their grief. But overall, grievers need to be heard, feel like their grief is understood, not feel alone and have all the practical information they need to make decisions and tend to their grief.
Here are a few things I do when speaking to someone who is profoundly grieving:
I mirror their vocabulary
I use the same kind of words and don’t over-intellectualise phrases or use medical terms when I feel people wouldn’t be able to understand it. Just drop the VetSpeak and use Normal People Talk.
I sense what style of communication they use
The phrase “it just feels shit, doesn’t it?” can be received in a variety of ways. For some, this lands just right and adequately describes how someone feels. Use your spidey-sense to discover what works for people and what doesn’t. Keep it human, though.
I tend to be realistic in my word use around death
Although I mirror people's vocabulary as much as possible, I don’t like using phrases like “going over the rainbow bridge” or “putting to sleep.” These can have problematic consequences, especially when children are involved. But even with adults, making sure there is a clear distinction between sleeping and being dead is helpful during the consultation when the animal is sedated before being given the barbiturate.
A few basic things you should do and not do are:
Do
Offer reassurance, even when they feel like it’s all falling down.
Challenge clients’ ideas (kindly) of failing or giving up on their pet when it’s clear this animal has come to the end of their biological lifecycle.
Encourage clients to share the load of organising and caring for their pet with family members during the final days.
Make positive, reaffirming noises while they are talking to ensure they know you are still there and listening.
Don’t
Feel like you need to have all the answers to why this animal is not getting better/slowing down/why the primary vet didn’t do x.
Invoke shame that they haven’t done something in their pet's best interest. Most people do all they can (physically and financially) for their pets. Also, remember: what you don’t know, you don’t know.
Talk over or interrupt them unless they go in loops or do not leave any space for you to respond.
Try to multitask while you are taking the call. Be fully present.
During every call, I always:
Explain what they need to do in the lead up to the euthanasia consult (E.g. how to book/when to call, which pre-consult drugs to give and when)
Explain how the euthanasia procedure goes
Tell them what they can expect to happen during the procedure
Ask if there are children present in the household, what their ages are and if they will be present during the euthanasia
Refer to the website, which has all the information, guides and explanatory videos on it (see previous post)
Explain the need for requesting the patient’s history from the primary vet and that the surgery will contact them to ask for permission for sharing personal files
Clearly state how they can pay and explain that we request payment in advance so that we can focus on the animal during the consultation
Give option to cancel within a reasonable time
Assure the pet’s guardian that they can ask questions at any time of the day via WhatsApp (or whichever other medium you use)
Finally, reassure them they will receive all this information in an email after the call
These are basic guidelines for communicating with pet guardians dealing with (anticipatory) pet grief. As I mentioned at the start of this article,
everybody acts differently in such tender situations, and there is no one way to deal with grief.
But in my years of working in the veterinary sector, and within animal hospice in particular, I have found a handful of archetypes of grieving pet guardians: the wailers, angry people, shoppers, back-and-forthers and preppers. The next post which will be out on 31 March will discuss these more and how to communicate effectively and compassionately with them.
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