Alternatives to pet “ownership”
- Sieske Valk
- Jan 1
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 3
Anyone who has lost a companion animal, whether recently or a while ago, is familiar with being asked when you will “get over them” and get a new one. Perhaps you have just celebrated the festive season with people who just don’t seem to get that you had to say goodbye to your “soul pet”. There is no getting over them or replacing a person who seemed to have a direct line between their heart and yours.
When I was in my late teens, one of my best childhood friends died of cancer. Just before he passed away, he asked his parents whether they’d have more children, seeing he was an only child until then. His mum told me she hadn’t even considered this and was taken aback by the question. I think it highlighted the beauty of my friend’s thinking, at such a young age, to think about what would come next for his family. In general, we wouldn’t think about replacing a child when they die before their parents. Yet, when speaking of pets, many people don’t have qualms talking about replacing them, as if they were a lost handbag.
Until recently, I had always assumed I would adopt another cat after Lewis passed away. After all, cats historically have found their way onto my doorstep and into my heart, without me having to look for them. Lately, I’m not so sure I would take the leap again, at least not very soon. The intense care it takes to care for an ageing cat and resources (time and money) all make me feel like I might just need a bit of a break from the responsibility. I love giving my all in his final days, and I wouldn’t change it for the world - but it is a lot.
Additionally, it feels like Lewis is my dæmon, a fictional being from the Philip Pullman fantasy books and described as
“an external physical manifestation of a person's "inner-self" that takes the form of an animal” (Wikipedia).
And it’s this connection that is often misunderstood by outsiders, but which stops a lot of people from taking the plunge again, after losing that connection.
Even if bereaved clients come in with their newest addition to the family, is our bread and butter, I think it is our responsibility to our clients to lay all options on the table. This doesn’t stop with “Would you prefer individual or communal cremation?” These families or individual caregivers have heaps of love and care to give, but just don’t want to take that leap again.
I could argue for all of the reasons why pet ownership is amazing, however short it may be, and that the love received during this time can be transcendental. I could also argue for interdisciplinary palliative and hospice care, which includes compassionate bereavement support, making the grieving process easier during and after loss. These are all truths.
But we’re also living with another truth, and that is, there is a disconnect between those with the time and resources to fully care for pets and those who actually own pets.
I have never believed in “ownership” (I dislike using the term owners in this context, but legally speaking, we do own companion animals). Whether we’re talking about pets or children, being their primary carer isn’t the only way towards fulfilment. Neither do I believe one would feel the most love for a person if they have cared for them from when they were an infant. There are so many different ways to care for another being that don’t involve signing your name on a contract, or promising to take care of them until they die (and take a bit of your heart with them). This is why I am going to provide you with alternatives to pet ownership.
Below, you’ll find a list of UK-based organisations that support people who are pet “owners” and people who are willing to care for other people’s pets temporarily or part-time. I am not talking about Borrow-my-Doggy or Cat in a Flat, which have developed into a commodified way of time-sharing pets, but more meaningful projects where taking care of someone else’s pet can enhance quality of life for all involved and sometimes even save lives.
Supporting a person fleeing domestic violence by temporarily fostering their pet
Refuge 4 Pets (in the Southwest), Cats Protection’s Lifeline and Dogs’ Trust’s Freedom (most of the UK) all support people fleeing from domestic violence. Pets are often a reason why a person stays in an abusive home, as shelters won’t accept pets to come along. Beloved pets are also often used as leverage for an abuser to threaten an abused person. This is why it’s very important to have “safe houses” for pets as well, a loving home for them to settle for a bit until their best human friend has gotten themselves into a safe situation and is able to resume care for their pet.
Supporting a person who needs support, goes into care or is terminal
Pets are a big source of worry for people ageing or needing to go into care. It’s a big reason why older people decide not to adopt another pet, because they don’t want their pet to outlive them and possibly end up in a shelter. We all know how important having a pet is for mental and physical health, so I’m so glad that The Cinnamon Trust allows people to enjoy that companionship - and support them when they need it. The first line of support is offering ageing or ill people with their day-to-day needs when it comes to pet care. Whether that is cleaning their cat’s litterbox regularly or taking their dog out for a long walk each weekend. When a person needs to go into a hospital or nursing home for temporary care, or when they are terminal, the Cinnamon Trust ensures their pet will be placed in a loving home. It’s even possible for the person in care to receive photo updates of their pet, to let them know their best friend is a-okay!
Supporting a person with a pet through life’s challenges
Pet ownership seems to be a very expensive hobby to me at times, only affordable to the lucky few with unlimited resources. But anyone can fall into hardship, ill health or other circumstances that limit them from giving their best friend the best of care.
A Suffolk-based organisation that is very dear to my heart and is teaching organisations in other geographies to provide the same kind of support is Our Special Friends. OSF is a community-based care organisation that helps people to benefit from the companionship of an animal by providing physical and psychological support when they are suffering from illness, bereavement or another crisis. The way I see it is that help with pet care is OSF’s “way in” to a person’s shield - the one protecting them from outsiders and limiting them from asking for help. Once pet support has been given in any shape it is needed, OSF looks at what other support the human caregiver needs, whether physical, psychological or otherwise. OSF is always looking for local community members who can help with pet care and become buddies.
Fostering pets for local shelters
And then there are the local shelters that can use your help in fostering litters of kittens, feral cats (e.g. if you own a farm where they can safely roam) and pets who would just waste away in a shelter situation. In fact, some large charities like the Blue Cross hardly have shelters anymore, as they recognise the impact a comfortable home situation can have on a relinquished pet, even if it’s short-term until they have found a forever-home. All costs of care are covered by the charities, which makes fostering accessible to those who can’t adopt a pet due to financial constraints. The challenge of fostering, of course, is to acknowledge the temporary nature of the role. Or perhaps you eventually figure out you are able to open your heart to a new companion after all…
What will be my alternative to pet "ownership"?
Lewis is probably the world’s most mentioned cat during wedding speeches. During our wedding, my father-in-law opened his speech with:
“We are so pleased Jamie found the love of his life… But enough about Lewis, let’s talk about Sieske!”
The stories of Lewis will always be told around my dinner table.
As I write this newsletter, Lewis is snoring on my lap, warmed by the winter sun. Once he passes - and I am very aware this will happen in the next few weeks to months - I will take my time to grieve for him. I have plans for memorialising him (more on that later) and ensuring the space in my heart that is his will always be there and tended to.
Lewis’s generosity and care for the cats I adopted when they were in their end-of-life phase will be paid forward by temporarily fostering pets in need of a safe and loving home until they are ready to be reunited with their soul-person. And maybe one day, another furry friend will sink their little claws in my heart and will be told the stories of my Achilles* heel - my weak spot - Lewis.
Sies.
*Achilles is Lewis’s official pedigree name
About me
My name is Sieske Valk (pronounced as Sees-kuh Falk). I started my career as a veterinary nurse in the Netherlands. After a short stint working as a social science researcher, I set up an animal care company in London, called Sies Petcare. This grew into Autumn Animals, the UK’s first holistic palliative and hospice care organisation. Trained as an end-of-life doula for companion animals, I supported numerous families through the autumn of their furry friend’s life, and after. I live with Lewis the cat (19) and husband Jamie, in beautiful Devon.
I now support veterinary businesses that want to improve their palliative and hospice services and support their team through challenging cases. If you’d like to have a chat about this, go to www.calendly.com/autumnanimals or visit autumnanimals.com for more information.
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